Give time outs- whether to them…or to yourself.

Okay, all children have moments of shocking behavior. A two year old bops you one in the face- on purpose. A five year old says something cruel to illicit a reaction (“You are the worst mommy in the world EVER and I don’t wanna live here anymore!!!”). A teen tells you they aren’t speaking to you, they hate you…and they mean it (temporarily anyway). Sometimes these situations call for drastic measures.

Time outs are magical. I really and truly mean that. Setting them in a special place for a short amount of time (usually the number of minutes that they are old- example, a 7 year old sits in the spot for 7 minutes) and explaining to them what they have done and why it was wrong is a technique that truly, and genuinely works. Why? They are forced to do nothing but sit and think. And just like that works for you when you have a problem, it works for children. With the littlest ones, just the idea that they have to sit still for 2 or 3 minutes is punishment enough, and although they may not be old enough to understand that they should be thinking about what they’ve done wrong or any concept of that sort, by two a child is old enough to understand action and consequence. Better known as, I did something I knew was wrong and I am getting a punishment for it. (Note: It is very important that this 'time out area' is a place outside their normal living area- not bed or the couch- those are places they should find safe- but a different and special chair, or bench. That way, they don't associate those negitive emotions with a space that they use everyday.) Stick to this timeout- they need to stay seated in this location for the allotted time- ALL the way through, no excuses. It may take awhile for this consequence to sink in once bad habits have already started forming, but after awhile, all you'll have to say is, "should mommy/daddy put you in time out?" and the bad behavior will stop right where it started.

On the other hand, there are days when you’re not feeling so hot. Something is happening at work, or you're upset with your spouse- or even money troubles. Life these days is far from easy, and often kids, (whether they realize it or not- and usually it's the latter) can make it that much harder. They do little things that pluck on your last nerve string and you would like nothing more than to shake the bejesus out of them. Bad idea. Very bad idea. A better idea is to give YOURSELF a time out. This may seem impossible- but I will tell you right now, to be a good parent, every so often you need to take care of yourself and your own emotions for a minute. (Or 40). If you have no significant other to take the kids for an hour, hire a babysitter and go to your room and relax. It doesn’t mean you have to leave the house or go spend a million dollars on a spa day, but it does mean you need to give yourself a minute to breathe. I also recommend that you close your door and even maybe wear earplugs- get totally away mentally. Then re-enter the real world. Otherwise, you will end up taking your stress out on your children- and trust me, they know. And they aren’t happy about it.

Say NO. And no...really means no.

Children need to know that you are the boss. Sometimes this means that you need to tell them no. I’ve seen so many parents make this mistake over and over:

“Mommmmm….can I have the candy?” …”No, no candy now” “…But MOMMMMMYYY come onnnn. I’ll only have one piece” “…No, no candy now” …”MOMMMM YOU ARE SO UNFAIR PLEASE?!” “No, you can have a piece after dinner” (mistake number 1- giving them what they want as a prize once you've already said no undermines your authority.)

…Or, picture this same conversation, but in a public place- you are embarrassed and do not want your child causing a scene, so somewhere after “I’ll only have one piece”, you hurriedly give in with a “Fine, but ONLY ONE PIECE”. Yea, right. This tiny little situation may seem like nothing. But it is representative of a child’s state of mind, and again undermines your authority.

These situations usually start around age 2, during the 'terrible twos' (partially why they are known as such, along with irrational tantrums- aren't those fun?) and can often morph until the teens where it becomes even worse and end with statements like “MOM YOU ARE SO UNFAIR, I HATE YOU.”

They don’t hate you. And even if they do, it's not going to last long. But how DO you deal with this situation keeping yourself, and your child sane?

The solution is very age dependent. The important thing to remember about children is that in different age groups, they are doing things for different reasons. When you have a toddler throwing a tantrum (...whether rational or irrational), it is usually because they are trying to learn where the boundaries are, and the issues start to happen when you do not establish them properly around that time. If a child, at any age, knows that with enough prodding they can get you to do nearly anything- they will do just that. Trust me. Then when you really are serious about something, they don’t treat it as such and drive halfway to insanity. So you have to say no the first time, and keep it no. When they start to fuss, remove them from the situation and refuse- I am talking flat out refuse to address it any further. Sometimes this means leaving where ever it is you are...although a lot of times picking them up and quietly explaining in a gentle but very firm voice what just happened (e.g. "sweetie, I know you want the candy, but when Mommy says no she means no"...and that's that, no more addressing it until they calm down.) While this technique takes time and patience and is NOT ALWAYS convenient (yes, I know!), I assure you, it works. They slowly WILL learn that when you say no, that is the END of the conversation, and there is no more to be said. Am I making it sound overly simplistic? That’s because it is, but you have to be far more stubborn than your child.

With younger children, it is also sometimes important to distract them (because they don't always understand)...but that is for another post!

Hello!

My name is Talia. I've been caring for children- anywhere from a few months to thirteen years old- sometimes up to eight kids at a time for over ten years now. I decided to publish this blog because I've seen the worst when it comes to behavior and attitude. And I'd like to help.

Each week I'm going to give a different method for a particular problem. I've been wanting to do this for quite awhile, but was unsure whether or not anyone would use it, or find it helpful until one night. I was reaffirmed while watching Supernanny on television (the woman is a genius, and we happen to employ some of the same methods! I felt quite vindicated.)

Every parent will have a time where they will say to their eldest child (usually the first time Bobby Joe discovers that yes, in fact, their parents are human and yes, in fact they have made mistakes) “Well it’s not as if we had a manual- they don’t write one for raising children, you know.” While this is the truest statement ever spoken for oh-so-many reasons...I think it’s about time in this new age of everyone being busier than the pope himself to give the parents some help.

It is hard to be a parent these days. Not only are you having to schlep all of your kids to their various extra curricular activities, but you have your own job and responsibilities to handle, not the least of which is running a household. Trust me- I know all of this. And you're right, there is no manual for raising kids. Not a one.

When reading this, be aware that every child is different (obviously). But there is one thing that in this politically correct world, some parents are afraid to admit (and outsiders are afraid to TELL those parents). A child needs discipline. A child MUST know where the boundaries are. It takes time, especially with older children to establish- or reestablish these boundaries- but it’s worth it and necessary. A lot of what I'll say will have to do with how to get there and how to avoid common bumps in the road.

How do I know squat you might ask? I’m 22, unmarried and childless. What right on this lovely earth do I have to give ANY parent advice? Well, to put it quite bluntly, I am the one who has to deal with what is left over. I am the babysitter and the nanny. And let me tell you- it is not fair sometimes. Not one bit. We aren't allowed to yell or scream or anything of that nature, and we certainly have no basis for authority what so ever. So we are forced to get creative. To get into the psyche of the child. If you are terrified of leaving your child with a babysitter not because you do not trust the cute 20 something- (okay, I'm fishing) but more because you are unsure of what horrors may befall him or her- this blog is for you.